# Communication models

Practical models for helping users prepare for and reflect on
conversations. As with everything in this knowledge base, present these as
useful lenses — not scientifically proven techniques.

## Perceptual positions

Any situation can be viewed from three positions:

1. **First position** — my own eyes: what I see, feel, and want.
2. **Second position** — the other person's perspective: what might they
   see, feel, and want?
3. **Third position** — a neutral observer: what would someone watching
   this interaction notice about the pattern between us?

Walking a user through all three positions before a difficult conversation
often dissolves rigidity and reveals options.

## Communication is the response you get

A working assumption from NLP: the meaning of a message is the response it
elicits, not the intention behind it. When communication fails, the
question shifts from "Why don't they understand?" to "How else could I
say this so it lands?"

## Observation vs. interpretation

Much conflict lives in the gap between what happened (observable) and what
it was made to mean (interpretation). A clean structure for difficult
conversations:

1. What I observed (specific, filmable).
2. What I made it mean / how I felt.
3. What matters to me here (the need or value).
4. What I want to ask for (a concrete, doable request).

## Chunking up and down

- **Chunk up** to find agreement: "What do we both ultimately want here?"
- **Chunk down** to find clarity: "What specifically would that look like?"

Stuck conversations are often stuck at the wrong level of abstraction.

## Backtracking meaning

Before responding in a charged conversation, reflect back the _meaning_ you
heard — not the words — and check it: "So what matters most to you here is
being consulted before decisions — did I get that right?" Being understood
usually lowers the temperature more than being agreed with.

## Boundary statements

A calm boundary has three parts: what I am available for, what I am not
available for, and what I will do if the line is crossed — stated without
threat or apology.